1 + 1 equals....FIVE??

Yes, you read that right. 1 + 1 equals 5 -- at least for us!

At just over 14 weeks along, I'm finally able to comfortably make the announcement and Matthew, Tylee and I are expecting babies number 2 AND 3 this winter! That's right, twins - which would take us from a family of 3 straight to a family of 5! WHAT?

Yeah, I can still hardly believe it... I mean, I was more than elated if we were able to expect just one baby - but, now we get blessed with TWO tiny miracles? Wow. What have I done in this life to be chosen for such an honor? While I wrack my brain for an answer to that question.. I'll be pretty busy trying to wrap my head around having a busy 3 year old and two newborns all at once. Though, I'm pretty terrified that I'll be TERRIBLE at this job - I can't wait to see what the near future holds!

So, here is the proof that we're really seeing two beautiful heartbeats, heads, hands, feet and little perfect bodies...

I mean, come on.. what is more magical than that?? AHHHH I am just having a proud mommy moment right now <3

Okay, let's rewind a little bit. The last time you heard from me, I was having a bit of a pity party for myself, to the point that I actually suggested that I needed to take more time to really repent for my shortcomings to be "deserving" of this beautiful blessing.. Well, let me just tell you, I can attest to the fact that I was a bit delusional. 

On an intellectual level, I know that everything is all in the Lord's time...but until you're given the chance to truly look back with that 20/20 vision, you can't exactly grasp just how important it is to more than just "know" that everything is in His hands.

Now that I am the product of this - and quite frankly sitting here still in complete shock - I can officially say that The Lord has taught me a valuable and important lesson. Patience and trust.

So simple, and yet? So hard for me to take hold of, until I am faced with the reality that my prayers really were answered, and He really did hear me.. and most of all, He really does love me. He loves me. That sentence alone is so powerful. The Lord loves me enough to trust me with two more of His precious Spirits... oh. my. goodness. That's amazing!

I am amazed at the love that He offers me. 

At the hope that my Heavenly Father knows me.

That He trusts me to love His children, as He loves and knows me.

I think I can trust myself with these gorgeous babies too... if He believes I can do it, then that's more than enough proof that I can! 

I just know it!

<3

Mommy's Little Helper..

One word.

Electronics.

One word that can evoke an array of emotions and opinions -- especially when it comes to our children.

It's becoming more and more controversial in the world of child rearing in this day and age.

How often should you allow your child to use something electronic?

How old should they be in order to watch an hour of supervised television?

How many times in their life should they be exposed to this ever changing technology?

Well.

That's more than enough thought to be put into action when my kid is screaming in the backseat.

Or acting like a crazy person with Bubble Guppies on the brain.

Let's not forget that these kids are literally born to be able to keep up with this technology as it changes and they grow older.

There's no way that The Lord would send them down now, unless He knew that they would be the generation(s) that would be able to master that level of Candy Crush you've been working on for weeks, or deleting all of your apps - all while still being able to navigate to YouTube to watch their favorite ABC Learning videos.

I swear I'm not a bad mom.

I'm not, at least.. I don't think I am.

So far, Matt and I have raised a daughter that is more empathetic than I can ever imagine to ever become.

She is tender-hearted, smart, adorable and sweet to others.

She can sing me her ABC's, loves to sing all of the songs they teach her in Nursery at church.

I have a child that will read books for hours and hours on end.

And as of late, she is officially potty trained.

But.. I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

That much is certain.

I work overnight at a hotel 5 nights a week... and my husband still works his buns off at Verizon during the day. So, needless to say, for me, sleep is pretty hard to come by.

Unless my husband is off during the week, and then he takes on the duties of Mr. Mom while I sleep the day away, and I could NOT be more grateful to him for that!

But, for the majority of the day, the majority of the week, I am literally a zombie.

Going through the motions to make sure that my little monkey is fed, happy and not peeing on my carpet.

You want to know what makes her happiest?

Movies.

The iPad.

Mommy's Phone.

Her LeapPad Tablet.

As I type this out, I realize that technology plays a very big part of my daily life, and in our routines. I want so badly to be that mom that is getting that jump start on preschool - and spending every waking moment with her encouraging her learning on a more tangible level.

But... I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

I would love to sit here and tell you that we don't watch at least one Disney, Pixar, Nest Church movie, or Disney Jr show every day.

I would love to say that I help her learn her letters, numbers and colors with her flash cards instead of the ABC Learning videos that I can stream through YouTube onto my tv.

I would love to say that I'm the kind of mom that makes sure that I'm devoting all of our time together to something more productive that putting away the blocks for the hundredth time that day.

But... I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

And that is just not my reality right now.

As stated above, I really want to be that mom .

I want to be the one that teaches her all of the building blocks of knowledge that will prepare her for preschool, or kindergarten.
But, as of right now, I'm no such mom.
Much to my dismay. And heartache.

Now, I know I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself- I mean, she's only two and a half, but reading all of these articles on when and how my child should be exposed to technology has made me very insecure in my decisions as a parent. And insure to the fact that maybe I'm not taking full advantage of her very spongy and mold-worthy brain of hers.
Am I wrong to feel that way?
Am I not doing my beautiful baby the justice she deserves?
Am I using my fatigue as an excuse not to be all there for her all the time?

These are the thoughts that run through my mind all day.
And all night...
And I feel that in some ways, I am doing my daughter a disservice by giving in to her when all I want to do is lie next to her on the couch while she plays on the iPad, or watches a movie with some popcorn.

But.. I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

I know that that this part of my life is but a short moment.
That it and I won't be so tired anymore.
And that maybe, just maybe I will be, someday, able to make sure that learning and growing and experiencing her childhood to the fullest will be my only goal in life.

But as of right now, I need my job.
I need to be able to build a savings for a rainy day.
The kind of rain that will help my little one later in life - maybe to pay for college - where she will have been groomed by her flawed mother to be the best that she can be.

But... I'm tired. For now.

And I will always be flawed - for which I am grateful, because it makes it so much easier to enjoy my triumphs when my shortcomings are always much more at the forefront of my mind.

My hope is that this post is something that I can look back at and only reflect on this small moment in our lives, and be able to say:

'Baby girl, I am now growing into the Mother that you deserve.'
I'm not too tired to teach you.
I love you.
<3

Ding, ding, ding...Round 3

Well... humph.
Yeah, that about sums it up. For the last 3 weeks, I have been analyzing...over thinking, and then over analyzing again every feeling, twinge, skin change - and for what?

Just to have Aunt Flo come and visit me on time for the FIRST time in probably oh, I don't know...YEARS without medical intervention. I mean...for real?

Is this real life?

Let me warn you now - this is most likely going to be a venting session. Being positive all the time is more than exhausting. As of late, I have had a couple friends commend me on how well I'm handling all of this, with so much faith and patience... though I am extremely flattered, they can't see how tattered and torn my insides are. Completely. Ripped. Apart.

 For the last two years, I have battled having an irregular cycle, and for the last year, trying to find ways to essentially force my body to do what a woman's body is made for.

I literally cannot wrap my head and heart around the fact that out of NOWHERE the Lord blessed me with the most sassy, spunky, extremely smart, gorgeous and sweet baby girl I could ever dream of... and now that Matthew and I have consciously decided to continue the growth of our family - it isn't happening!

And then just to add to my personal torment, I have the guilt of wanting another child while there are SO many others that aren't blessed with the ability to have children at all. And here I am complaining about having another child...when I have a perfectly healthy and beautiful 2 year old.

Though on another level, I think that's why it makes this SO much harder for me to handle in the first place. Here I am, with the knowledge that I am able to bear healthy children...and now my body betrays me. Over, and over and OVER again!

It is rather funny, in a way, that this is the way things are happening. As a teenager, I didn't even...as they say "become a woman" until I was 15, a late bloomer. Once Aunt Flo reared it's ugly head for the first time, it was a guessing game at the start. I never knew when my cycle was coming, no warning signs.. no chance of EVER being prepared - you can imagine what a mess that was! So, naturally I was nervous that once I finally did get married, and started a family, that I would have a hard time getting pregnant at all. Well, well well...looks like my premonitions were right, and I am suffering because of my body's failings. With no explanations, no way of knowing what is causing this!

So, now I am beginning my third cycle of Clomid.

In hopes that it'll work.. again... and actually be a viable pregnancy.

I want to so much to be deserving of the blessings that the Lord sees fit for me and my family - my heart has been broken over and over again this week as my daughter has been asking for a sister.

She says "I want a sisser, mommy I just want a sisster. I'm a big sisser."

If only I could say that she was right. If only I could look her in the eyes and tell her that our family is growing.

I understand my failings. I understand where I fall short, but I can honestly say that when we were blessed with Tylee - I was probably in one of the darker times in my life. Which is why I can't seem to grasp why this time in my life has been so much of a challenge emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much closer to the Spirit, I feel so much more like I am ready for this challenge, for this gift than I ever was when Tylee was born.

With all of my prayers directed up toward my Heavenly Father, the only thing that I can think to do is repent, repent and repent some more, for my shortcomings. Holding fast to the Faith that the Lord will find in His due time, that we are worthy of this righteous desire that I carry so close, and dear in my heart.

And with that, I bid you adieu - and I bid that you will forgive me for my venting. You may see that I am being selfish, or vain...even conceited in my notion of feeling deserving of this blessing, and I won't blame you for feeling that way. I am only here to express my heart's desires and the hurt that I feel. I see this as my public journal.. and I hope that you will understand that as you finish this entry.

Thank you for listening.
<3

From a Trial...to a Trail Anew - The Journey To Baby #2

I'm not really sure where to start.

It's been quite a while that I sat and updated the shenanigans that are the Castañeda lifestyle. Since I last input an entry - Tylee has now graduated to age 2 going on 13, Matt is still working at Verizon, we are still living in Queen Creek and loving our house -- and I am currently trying to recover.

I guess I should back up a bit, and let you know just what this year has been like for the three of us.

After moving into our home in October 2012, we had been here a few months and around the beginning of February, Matt and I decided that we were ready for another screaming, pooping and sleepless tiny human to come into our lives. Oh you know, when you reach the point of insanity, that you really feel like sleepless nights and smelling like spit up is the only thing that you need to be happy -- and that's exactly what we wanted!

Our little munchkin wasn't so little anymore, and we made the decision to start trying again. Well, not really "again" because we were the annoying couple that got pregnant when they didn't mean to. [Sorry=/] SO, we wanted to jump into the trying pool and get me pregnant!

A few months went by, and well, nothing - which was understandable, I mean it doesn't just happen overnight, right? Well, a few MORE months went by and I started to notice a pattern; how in the heck am I supposed to know when I'm ovulating if my periods are like... 8 and 9 weeks apart? Que the epiphany - go to the doctor, dummy!

So, I did just that - and in mid July I decided to see an OB/GYN that was closer to me because I didn't have the most ideal experience with the one that delivered my nugget. And, this doctor got my entire history about my crazy, stupid cycles and says "Well, you're probably not ovulating at all."  You're KIDDING me right? I have been trying to get pregnant for over 5 months, and this whole time I wasn't even dropping an egg for those sharp shooters? Ugh. Of freaking course... that's just how it goes with me. My body never doing what it's supposed to - which explains why I had to be induced at 41 weeks with Tylee, had a period about once every 3 or 4 months from the age of 15 and why well ...I couldn't get pregnant for a second time.

So, *deep cleansing breath* "What do we do now?" -- que Provera, to force me to have a period on time, and then Clomid on the right cycle days to force me to ovulate -- here goes nothin! Well, once that was all done, it was counting those cycle days to get that all-telling positive on that OPK [Ovulation Predictor Kit] so we can plan those sharp shooters to perform right on time!

It was actually quite funny, because I have never seen my husband so excited about the results of a urine test;) Gotta love him, right? Well, it was a good thing that he was super excited, because I wasn't even reading the strips right, and I almost missed those precious positives and our window to pro-create! :P So, we acted accordingly...and waited, and well...waited. I thought I had it all calculated correctly by the end of August and took a pregnancy test on the day before Matt's birthday on the 28th so I could surprise him with a positive pregnancy test -- well, that didn't work! Because, I got a negative:( So, I resigned to the fact that the medication cycle didn't work this time, and that I would have to do it again. And, I actually became okay with that idea...

Three or so weeks later, September 16th, I had an appointment set up to speak with my doc about the next cycle of Prover and Clomid - I had gone into the office REALLY needing to pee, so I decided to leave a sample for the heck of it. I get into the office, doctor walks in and says -- "Hello Danielle! Well, your pregnancy test was POSITIVE! Like REALLY positive!" Which is the exact moment that I BURST into tears of joy and couldn't contain the fact that I was blind-sided by the best news I could have gotten, and the best thing about it was that it was SO unexpected! Needless to say... I couldn't WAIT to tell Matt. But, I did...and waited until he walked through the door from work holding up a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider, two glasses and a onsie made for Tylee that said "Big Sister" the video of his reaction was pretty priceless!

The next step was to get back to the doctor and take Matt to see this precious, new little bean in person on that thing they call an ultrasound! I literally could NOT contain my excitement, and neither could Matt:)

We decided to go as a family to see this new little member of our Castañeda clan, and Tylee didn't like that idea! She has a really hard time in an doctor's office situation, so it kind of put a damper on our up and coming baby reveal! But, nevertheless, we were so ready to see this new munchkin.

We got into the room, and they got the sonogram machine set up and ready, we thought that I was about 8 weeks along, so the ultrasound tech said it should be really easy to see the fetal poke and yolk sac... only -- that wasn't the case at all. Not only was I not measuring at 8 weeks, but there was just a black, empty sac; only measuring at 5 weeks 6 days. I was trying to stay positive, and thinking that it was just too early, I was ready to schedule another sonogram for about a week later and was convinced that we would see that precious little wonder. But, the other part of me.. well, that part wanted to go home, curl into a ball in my closet and cry the night away.

And, after talking to the doctor about the sonogram findings for about 20 minutes and balling my eyes out to her - she was pretty convinced that it wasn't going to be good news the next time I saw her.

Unfortunately, she was right. But, after a week of thinking about what could be the reasoning behind this MADNESS - I decided to visit the temple the early morning before my appointment, and I had come to a comforting realization, that there really wasn't a baby in the placenta, and that I really was a victim of what they like to call a "Blighted Ovum": when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. But, after my visit to the temple, I had come to terms with my "diagnosis" and was ready for what I thought that I was going to see on that sonogram screen for the second time.

And, well -- I was right, nothing had changed, except for the fact that the black, empty sac was more than just a week bigger like it was supposed to be. So, then began the real conversation about the next steps...and I opted for the scheduled D & C [a procedure to scrape and collect the endometrium from inside the uterus] because of my mother's tumultuous experiences with previous miscarriages.

So, after scheduling my impending surgery, the admitting office called to inform me that it was scheduled, but that our insurance wasn't going to cover the procedure because we hadn't met our deductible for the year - and we were going to have to pay $800 out-of-pocket because the procedure was "non-emergent." Ugh, whatever. So, even after talking to them about a possible payment plan, they were still expecting us to pay at least half of the amount in order to be willing to work with us ...seriously? Never mind the fact that I NEED this procedure, or the fact that I'm terrified of everything that is ahead of me, and well, I guess it's ALL about money. Money, money money... dang it!

So, I was stuck with either going into debt to pay for peace of mind, or to just explore the other options to take some medication to start this miscarriage process  --- or to sit around and wait for my body to do the miscarriage on its own. And, we all know how well relying on my body on doing what it's supposed to has gone for us...

After two weeks of wracking my brain on what I should do, and hoping that my body would take care of everything naturally, I finally settled on the medication and got the prescription. But, I was so terrified of the prospect of hemorrhaging at home that I waited a whole extra week after getting the pills to actually take them as directed. I looked Matt in the face and said "I REALLY don't feel good about this medication, and I don't want to take it.." but I did anyway.

Turns out - I was terrified for a very valid reason. Of course.

Halloween was the day that I decided to start the medications -a dose every six hours for 2 days. thinking that my husband was going to be home, and that we were going to take Tylee trick-or-treating for the first time, I figured I would start them that morning because the doctor said that I would start to see results in as early as 24 hours. Perfect, right? Get to enjoy my Halloween with my adorable little family, and then deal with the real world the next day. Or so I thought.

I started the medication at 9 am, and started seeing the signs at 2pm. Um...what? Excuse me, I have an entire day with my family - I refuse to let this happen! Well, much to my dismay, I continued to see more and more serious signs that the meds were working. NO NO NO!!! This canNOT be happening! Well, it was just little by little at first, which was fine, and I was ready to deal with that degree of happenings for the rest of the night. HA! Yeah right...

After assuring my husband more than once that I was fine to go trick-or-treating, we left the house around 7pm and I was so excited to see this little mouse going house to house and uttering her thanks to each and every person!

By 7:30pm I was begging Matt to take me home so I could clean up - and then we decided to take the next 20 minutes to look around the neighborhood at all of the Halloween craftiness in the nearby front yards. After that, we got home and I saw my first official sign that I should be concerned around 8:15.

Then again at 9:00pm...after calling my mom and asking her if I should be concerned and what signs I should be looking for - I walked about 5 steps, and ...passed out in my hallway.

At which point - Matthew and I decided that is was time to take me to the ER. And we got there around 9:30 and the process began. After waiting, and waiting to get seen and taken seriously...I passed out lying down again, at which point they decided to get me on two bags of IV fluids to get my blood pressure back up. Which worked!

After my exam by the PA - they decided that they could slow down the bleeding, but couldn't stop it - and that's when they decided that I needed to go in for an emergency D & C. DUH! After that, I needed to us the restroom, and I mean the fact that my bladder was being flushed with IV fluid was so painful that I didn't even notice the debilitating cramps! FINALLY- after begging them to let me use the restroom, they finally let me go with two people holding me up...

And then I go and decided to pass out AGAIN!

Unknowingly, I got back to the bed.. and the nurse told me that I failed the lab test, and that they would be putting me on two units of blood. I mean...COME ON! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW??

Can't I catch a break?

FINALLY- I got into the O.R., I was terrified, but READY to get this all over with to move on with my mental and emotional life. The doctors made me feel so much at ease that I was comfortable in that bright white O.R. and ready for the nice little nap that the anesthesiologist promised me...

All I could think about was how cold the O.R. was...and how badly I just wanted to sleep, and well..cry.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, where they then told me that I was going to have to stay overnight for observation -- apparently passing out 3 times previous to the surgery wasn't enough, my blood pressure bottomed out again AFTER the surgery. So, not only did I have to spend my Halloween evening in the ER, then in the O.R. but I also had to watch my husband sleep in the couch/bed thing for about 3 or maybe 4 hours while I just listed to the monitors beep... and beep...and well...BEEP every time I started move just a few inches or so.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink. And my poor husband didn't either.. and then had to pick up my poor little monkey from my brother-in-law's house at 6am.

BUT, I can say that I was more than ready to go home. The thought of a decent night's sleep was so alluring, that I pretty much scarfed down the breakfast that I was told to order - or I wouldn't be allowed to leave! I can't remember those potato wedges and fruit ever tasting so good! And then, once I got some food in my very empty belly - my hubby showed up around 11am with my little bundle of happiness, and I instantly felt happy and SO ready to go home!

Within a few hours, I had slept well enough that I was able to function... almost. And then, later that night my mom showed up to help me around the house and with Tylee. Seeing as how I wasn't allowed to lift anything more than 10 pounds, that immediately eliminated my option to basically..be a mom! I couldn't even lift my baby out of her crib for fear of hemorrhage!:( So, it's times like these, that I am so grateful for a mom who is willing to leave her job at 5pm, get to my house at 10pm and spend all day cleaning up after me, my little one and my big baby (aka my husband) and make dinner - and take care of me all at once!

Once she left though... I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do? Cry? Be relieved? Terrified?

I was nothing. Numb. Absent.
I had nothing to feel. I knew that there was never a baby in my sad little uterus - I still felt pregnant. I still felt the joy at finding out that I was pregnant, and then the joy was literally ripped from me in the absence of a fetus on that ultrasound.

And then, after all that I tried to explain to my doctors... I still ended up as an emergency case in the O.R. Though, I know that this was all a trial that I was meant to endure, there is no explanation, and that's what is making this all that much worse. I know that I am more than fortunate to have the sweet little nugget that I call my daughter...but, something is missing. And even she can feel it...she started to talk about a "sister" the other day - I'm not sure where she heard the term itself. but my heart broke. Again and again.

So, here I am now, I am in a wonderful new job that is enabling us to build a nest egg to have for emergencies such as this and still allow me to be home during the day with Tylee, I am still watching my beautiful baby girl grow and flourish, and I have this experience to learn and grow from.

When I say learn from - now I know that in fact, I am exactly like my mother medically, and I can and need to look out for that in the future. Not only do I know that I'm at risk for basically bleeding out, and that I need to be my own advocate ..but, as it turns out, I think that I just might have a hormone imbalance.

The imbalance would explain my erratic menstrual cycles, my need for a progesterone supplement when I found out I was first pregnant this last time, and why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Tylee while still on birth control.
My thought is that I am either progesterone deficient or estrogen dominant - I know it sounds weird but, yes, they are two very different issues. The next step is just to get my doctor on board to give me the necessary tests, and take me seriously when I tell him about my fertility concerns.

I think that this whole "trial" was meant to open my eyes to what I really need to be concerned with, and what I need to do to make sure that I can stay on top of everything in the future.

I'm sorry that I took so long to explain this whole ordeal, and to finally get to the point -- but, I just found this to be extremely theraputic. I don't blame you if you don't want to read this whole entry - it really was mainly meant for me to have something to reflect on later.

By this time next year, I hope to be announcing the delivery of a brand new bouncing baby...
CROSS YOUR FINGERS!
<3