Well... humph.
Yeah, that about sums it up. For the last 3 weeks, I have been analyzing...over thinking, and then over analyzing again every feeling, twinge, skin change - and for what?
Just to have Aunt Flo come and visit me on time for the FIRST time in probably oh, I don't know...YEARS without medical intervention. I mean...for real?
Is this real life?
Let me warn you now - this is most likely going to be a venting session. Being positive all the time is more than exhausting. As of late, I have had a couple friends commend me on how well I'm handling all of this, with so much faith and patience... though I am extremely flattered, they can't see how tattered and torn my insides are. Completely. Ripped. Apart.
For the last two years, I have battled having an irregular cycle, and for the last year, trying to find ways to essentially force my body to do what a woman's body is made for.
I literally cannot wrap my head and heart around the fact that out of NOWHERE the Lord blessed me with the most sassy, spunky, extremely smart, gorgeous and sweet baby girl I could ever dream of... and now that Matthew and I have consciously decided to continue the growth of our family - it isn't happening!
And then just to add to my personal torment, I have the guilt of wanting another child while there are SO many others that aren't blessed with the ability to have children at all. And here I am complaining about having another child...when I have a perfectly healthy and beautiful 2 year old.
Though on another level, I think that's why it makes this SO much harder for me to handle in the first place. Here I am, with the knowledge that I am able to bear healthy children...and now my body betrays me. Over, and over and OVER again!
It is rather funny, in a way, that this is the way things are happening. As a teenager, I didn't even...as they say "become a woman" until I was 15, a late bloomer. Once Aunt Flo reared it's ugly head for the first time, it was a guessing game at the start. I never knew when my cycle was coming, no warning signs.. no chance of EVER being prepared - you can imagine what a mess that was! So, naturally I was nervous that once I finally did get married, and started a family, that I would have a hard time getting pregnant at all. Well, well well...looks like my premonitions were right, and I am suffering because of my body's failings. With no explanations, no way of knowing what is causing this!
So, now I am beginning my third cycle of Clomid.
In hopes that it'll work.. again... and actually be a viable pregnancy.
I want to so much to be deserving of the blessings that the Lord sees fit for me and my family - my heart has been broken over and over again this week as my daughter has been asking for a sister.
She says "I want a sisser, mommy I just want a sisster. I'm a big sisser."
If only I could say that she was right. If only I could look her in the eyes and tell her that our family is growing.
I understand my failings. I understand where I fall short, but I can honestly say that when we were blessed with Tylee - I was probably in one of the darker times in my life. Which is why I can't seem to grasp why this time in my life has been so much of a challenge emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much closer to the Spirit, I feel so much more like I am ready for this challenge, for this gift than I ever was when Tylee was born.
With all of my prayers directed up toward my Heavenly Father, the only thing that I can think to do is repent, repent and repent some more, for my shortcomings. Holding fast to the Faith that the Lord will find in His due time, that we are worthy of this righteous desire that I carry so close, and dear in my heart.
And with that, I bid you adieu - and I bid that you will forgive me for my venting. You may see that I am being selfish, or vain...even conceited in my notion of feeling deserving of this blessing, and I won't blame you for feeling that way. I am only here to express my heart's desires and the hurt that I feel. I see this as my public journal.. and I hope that you will understand that as you finish this entry.
Thank you for listening.
<3
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