From a Trial...to a Trail Anew - The Journey To Baby #2

I'm not really sure where to start.

It's been quite a while that I sat and updated the shenanigans that are the Castañeda lifestyle. Since I last input an entry - Tylee has now graduated to age 2 going on 13, Matt is still working at Verizon, we are still living in Queen Creek and loving our house -- and I am currently trying to recover.

I guess I should back up a bit, and let you know just what this year has been like for the three of us.

After moving into our home in October 2012, we had been here a few months and around the beginning of February, Matt and I decided that we were ready for another screaming, pooping and sleepless tiny human to come into our lives. Oh you know, when you reach the point of insanity, that you really feel like sleepless nights and smelling like spit up is the only thing that you need to be happy -- and that's exactly what we wanted!

Our little munchkin wasn't so little anymore, and we made the decision to start trying again. Well, not really "again" because we were the annoying couple that got pregnant when they didn't mean to. [Sorry=/] SO, we wanted to jump into the trying pool and get me pregnant!

A few months went by, and well, nothing - which was understandable, I mean it doesn't just happen overnight, right? Well, a few MORE months went by and I started to notice a pattern; how in the heck am I supposed to know when I'm ovulating if my periods are like... 8 and 9 weeks apart? Que the epiphany - go to the doctor, dummy!

So, I did just that - and in mid July I decided to see an OB/GYN that was closer to me because I didn't have the most ideal experience with the one that delivered my nugget. And, this doctor got my entire history about my crazy, stupid cycles and says "Well, you're probably not ovulating at all."  You're KIDDING me right? I have been trying to get pregnant for over 5 months, and this whole time I wasn't even dropping an egg for those sharp shooters? Ugh. Of freaking course... that's just how it goes with me. My body never doing what it's supposed to - which explains why I had to be induced at 41 weeks with Tylee, had a period about once every 3 or 4 months from the age of 15 and why well ...I couldn't get pregnant for a second time.

So, *deep cleansing breath* "What do we do now?" -- que Provera, to force me to have a period on time, and then Clomid on the right cycle days to force me to ovulate -- here goes nothin! Well, once that was all done, it was counting those cycle days to get that all-telling positive on that OPK [Ovulation Predictor Kit] so we can plan those sharp shooters to perform right on time!

It was actually quite funny, because I have never seen my husband so excited about the results of a urine test;) Gotta love him, right? Well, it was a good thing that he was super excited, because I wasn't even reading the strips right, and I almost missed those precious positives and our window to pro-create! :P So, we acted accordingly...and waited, and well...waited. I thought I had it all calculated correctly by the end of August and took a pregnancy test on the day before Matt's birthday on the 28th so I could surprise him with a positive pregnancy test -- well, that didn't work! Because, I got a negative:( So, I resigned to the fact that the medication cycle didn't work this time, and that I would have to do it again. And, I actually became okay with that idea...

Three or so weeks later, September 16th, I had an appointment set up to speak with my doc about the next cycle of Prover and Clomid - I had gone into the office REALLY needing to pee, so I decided to leave a sample for the heck of it. I get into the office, doctor walks in and says -- "Hello Danielle! Well, your pregnancy test was POSITIVE! Like REALLY positive!" Which is the exact moment that I BURST into tears of joy and couldn't contain the fact that I was blind-sided by the best news I could have gotten, and the best thing about it was that it was SO unexpected! Needless to say... I couldn't WAIT to tell Matt. But, I did...and waited until he walked through the door from work holding up a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider, two glasses and a onsie made for Tylee that said "Big Sister" the video of his reaction was pretty priceless!

The next step was to get back to the doctor and take Matt to see this precious, new little bean in person on that thing they call an ultrasound! I literally could NOT contain my excitement, and neither could Matt:)

We decided to go as a family to see this new little member of our Castañeda clan, and Tylee didn't like that idea! She has a really hard time in an doctor's office situation, so it kind of put a damper on our up and coming baby reveal! But, nevertheless, we were so ready to see this new munchkin.

We got into the room, and they got the sonogram machine set up and ready, we thought that I was about 8 weeks along, so the ultrasound tech said it should be really easy to see the fetal poke and yolk sac... only -- that wasn't the case at all. Not only was I not measuring at 8 weeks, but there was just a black, empty sac; only measuring at 5 weeks 6 days. I was trying to stay positive, and thinking that it was just too early, I was ready to schedule another sonogram for about a week later and was convinced that we would see that precious little wonder. But, the other part of me.. well, that part wanted to go home, curl into a ball in my closet and cry the night away.

And, after talking to the doctor about the sonogram findings for about 20 minutes and balling my eyes out to her - she was pretty convinced that it wasn't going to be good news the next time I saw her.

Unfortunately, she was right. But, after a week of thinking about what could be the reasoning behind this MADNESS - I decided to visit the temple the early morning before my appointment, and I had come to a comforting realization, that there really wasn't a baby in the placenta, and that I really was a victim of what they like to call a "Blighted Ovum": when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. But, after my visit to the temple, I had come to terms with my "diagnosis" and was ready for what I thought that I was going to see on that sonogram screen for the second time.

And, well -- I was right, nothing had changed, except for the fact that the black, empty sac was more than just a week bigger like it was supposed to be. So, then began the real conversation about the next steps...and I opted for the scheduled D & C [a procedure to scrape and collect the endometrium from inside the uterus] because of my mother's tumultuous experiences with previous miscarriages.

So, after scheduling my impending surgery, the admitting office called to inform me that it was scheduled, but that our insurance wasn't going to cover the procedure because we hadn't met our deductible for the year - and we were going to have to pay $800 out-of-pocket because the procedure was "non-emergent." Ugh, whatever. So, even after talking to them about a possible payment plan, they were still expecting us to pay at least half of the amount in order to be willing to work with us ...seriously? Never mind the fact that I NEED this procedure, or the fact that I'm terrified of everything that is ahead of me, and well, I guess it's ALL about money. Money, money money... dang it!

So, I was stuck with either going into debt to pay for peace of mind, or to just explore the other options to take some medication to start this miscarriage process  --- or to sit around and wait for my body to do the miscarriage on its own. And, we all know how well relying on my body on doing what it's supposed to has gone for us...

After two weeks of wracking my brain on what I should do, and hoping that my body would take care of everything naturally, I finally settled on the medication and got the prescription. But, I was so terrified of the prospect of hemorrhaging at home that I waited a whole extra week after getting the pills to actually take them as directed. I looked Matt in the face and said "I REALLY don't feel good about this medication, and I don't want to take it.." but I did anyway.

Turns out - I was terrified for a very valid reason. Of course.

Halloween was the day that I decided to start the medications -a dose every six hours for 2 days. thinking that my husband was going to be home, and that we were going to take Tylee trick-or-treating for the first time, I figured I would start them that morning because the doctor said that I would start to see results in as early as 24 hours. Perfect, right? Get to enjoy my Halloween with my adorable little family, and then deal with the real world the next day. Or so I thought.

I started the medication at 9 am, and started seeing the signs at 2pm. Um...what? Excuse me, I have an entire day with my family - I refuse to let this happen! Well, much to my dismay, I continued to see more and more serious signs that the meds were working. NO NO NO!!! This canNOT be happening! Well, it was just little by little at first, which was fine, and I was ready to deal with that degree of happenings for the rest of the night. HA! Yeah right...

After assuring my husband more than once that I was fine to go trick-or-treating, we left the house around 7pm and I was so excited to see this little mouse going house to house and uttering her thanks to each and every person!

By 7:30pm I was begging Matt to take me home so I could clean up - and then we decided to take the next 20 minutes to look around the neighborhood at all of the Halloween craftiness in the nearby front yards. After that, we got home and I saw my first official sign that I should be concerned around 8:15.

Then again at 9:00pm...after calling my mom and asking her if I should be concerned and what signs I should be looking for - I walked about 5 steps, and ...passed out in my hallway.

At which point - Matthew and I decided that is was time to take me to the ER. And we got there around 9:30 and the process began. After waiting, and waiting to get seen and taken seriously...I passed out lying down again, at which point they decided to get me on two bags of IV fluids to get my blood pressure back up. Which worked!

After my exam by the PA - they decided that they could slow down the bleeding, but couldn't stop it - and that's when they decided that I needed to go in for an emergency D & C. DUH! After that, I needed to us the restroom, and I mean the fact that my bladder was being flushed with IV fluid was so painful that I didn't even notice the debilitating cramps! FINALLY- after begging them to let me use the restroom, they finally let me go with two people holding me up...

And then I go and decided to pass out AGAIN!

Unknowingly, I got back to the bed.. and the nurse told me that I failed the lab test, and that they would be putting me on two units of blood. I mean...COME ON! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW??

Can't I catch a break?

FINALLY- I got into the O.R., I was terrified, but READY to get this all over with to move on with my mental and emotional life. The doctors made me feel so much at ease that I was comfortable in that bright white O.R. and ready for the nice little nap that the anesthesiologist promised me...

All I could think about was how cold the O.R. was...and how badly I just wanted to sleep, and well..cry.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, where they then told me that I was going to have to stay overnight for observation -- apparently passing out 3 times previous to the surgery wasn't enough, my blood pressure bottomed out again AFTER the surgery. So, not only did I have to spend my Halloween evening in the ER, then in the O.R. but I also had to watch my husband sleep in the couch/bed thing for about 3 or maybe 4 hours while I just listed to the monitors beep... and beep...and well...BEEP every time I started move just a few inches or so.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink. And my poor husband didn't either.. and then had to pick up my poor little monkey from my brother-in-law's house at 6am.

BUT, I can say that I was more than ready to go home. The thought of a decent night's sleep was so alluring, that I pretty much scarfed down the breakfast that I was told to order - or I wouldn't be allowed to leave! I can't remember those potato wedges and fruit ever tasting so good! And then, once I got some food in my very empty belly - my hubby showed up around 11am with my little bundle of happiness, and I instantly felt happy and SO ready to go home!

Within a few hours, I had slept well enough that I was able to function... almost. And then, later that night my mom showed up to help me around the house and with Tylee. Seeing as how I wasn't allowed to lift anything more than 10 pounds, that immediately eliminated my option to basically..be a mom! I couldn't even lift my baby out of her crib for fear of hemorrhage!:( So, it's times like these, that I am so grateful for a mom who is willing to leave her job at 5pm, get to my house at 10pm and spend all day cleaning up after me, my little one and my big baby (aka my husband) and make dinner - and take care of me all at once!

Once she left though... I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do? Cry? Be relieved? Terrified?

I was nothing. Numb. Absent.
I had nothing to feel. I knew that there was never a baby in my sad little uterus - I still felt pregnant. I still felt the joy at finding out that I was pregnant, and then the joy was literally ripped from me in the absence of a fetus on that ultrasound.

And then, after all that I tried to explain to my doctors... I still ended up as an emergency case in the O.R. Though, I know that this was all a trial that I was meant to endure, there is no explanation, and that's what is making this all that much worse. I know that I am more than fortunate to have the sweet little nugget that I call my daughter...but, something is missing. And even she can feel it...she started to talk about a "sister" the other day - I'm not sure where she heard the term itself. but my heart broke. Again and again.

So, here I am now, I am in a wonderful new job that is enabling us to build a nest egg to have for emergencies such as this and still allow me to be home during the day with Tylee, I am still watching my beautiful baby girl grow and flourish, and I have this experience to learn and grow from.

When I say learn from - now I know that in fact, I am exactly like my mother medically, and I can and need to look out for that in the future. Not only do I know that I'm at risk for basically bleeding out, and that I need to be my own advocate ..but, as it turns out, I think that I just might have a hormone imbalance.

The imbalance would explain my erratic menstrual cycles, my need for a progesterone supplement when I found out I was first pregnant this last time, and why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Tylee while still on birth control.
My thought is that I am either progesterone deficient or estrogen dominant - I know it sounds weird but, yes, they are two very different issues. The next step is just to get my doctor on board to give me the necessary tests, and take me seriously when I tell him about my fertility concerns.

I think that this whole "trial" was meant to open my eyes to what I really need to be concerned with, and what I need to do to make sure that I can stay on top of everything in the future.

I'm sorry that I took so long to explain this whole ordeal, and to finally get to the point -- but, I just found this to be extremely theraputic. I don't blame you if you don't want to read this whole entry - it really was mainly meant for me to have something to reflect on later.

By this time next year, I hope to be announcing the delivery of a brand new bouncing baby...
CROSS YOUR FINGERS!
<3