Mommy's Little Helper..

One word.

Electronics.

One word that can evoke an array of emotions and opinions -- especially when it comes to our children.

It's becoming more and more controversial in the world of child rearing in this day and age.

How often should you allow your child to use something electronic?

How old should they be in order to watch an hour of supervised television?

How many times in their life should they be exposed to this ever changing technology?

Well.

That's more than enough thought to be put into action when my kid is screaming in the backseat.

Or acting like a crazy person with Bubble Guppies on the brain.

Let's not forget that these kids are literally born to be able to keep up with this technology as it changes and they grow older.

There's no way that The Lord would send them down now, unless He knew that they would be the generation(s) that would be able to master that level of Candy Crush you've been working on for weeks, or deleting all of your apps - all while still being able to navigate to YouTube to watch their favorite ABC Learning videos.

I swear I'm not a bad mom.

I'm not, at least.. I don't think I am.

So far, Matt and I have raised a daughter that is more empathetic than I can ever imagine to ever become.

She is tender-hearted, smart, adorable and sweet to others.

She can sing me her ABC's, loves to sing all of the songs they teach her in Nursery at church.

I have a child that will read books for hours and hours on end.

And as of late, she is officially potty trained.

But.. I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

That much is certain.

I work overnight at a hotel 5 nights a week... and my husband still works his buns off at Verizon during the day. So, needless to say, for me, sleep is pretty hard to come by.

Unless my husband is off during the week, and then he takes on the duties of Mr. Mom while I sleep the day away, and I could NOT be more grateful to him for that!

But, for the majority of the day, the majority of the week, I am literally a zombie.

Going through the motions to make sure that my little monkey is fed, happy and not peeing on my carpet.

You want to know what makes her happiest?

Movies.

The iPad.

Mommy's Phone.

Her LeapPad Tablet.

As I type this out, I realize that technology plays a very big part of my daily life, and in our routines. I want so badly to be that mom that is getting that jump start on preschool - and spending every waking moment with her encouraging her learning on a more tangible level.

But... I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

I would love to sit here and tell you that we don't watch at least one Disney, Pixar, Nest Church movie, or Disney Jr show every day.

I would love to say that I help her learn her letters, numbers and colors with her flash cards instead of the ABC Learning videos that I can stream through YouTube onto my tv.

I would love to say that I'm the kind of mom that makes sure that I'm devoting all of our time together to something more productive that putting away the blocks for the hundredth time that day.

But... I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

And that is just not my reality right now.

As stated above, I really want to be that mom .

I want to be the one that teaches her all of the building blocks of knowledge that will prepare her for preschool, or kindergarten.
But, as of right now, I'm no such mom.
Much to my dismay. And heartache.

Now, I know I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself- I mean, she's only two and a half, but reading all of these articles on when and how my child should be exposed to technology has made me very insecure in my decisions as a parent. And insure to the fact that maybe I'm not taking full advantage of her very spongy and mold-worthy brain of hers.
Am I wrong to feel that way?
Am I not doing my beautiful baby the justice she deserves?
Am I using my fatigue as an excuse not to be all there for her all the time?

These are the thoughts that run through my mind all day.
And all night...
And I feel that in some ways, I am doing my daughter a disservice by giving in to her when all I want to do is lie next to her on the couch while she plays on the iPad, or watches a movie with some popcorn.

But.. I'm tired.

I'm flawed.

I know that that this part of my life is but a short moment.
That it and I won't be so tired anymore.
And that maybe, just maybe I will be, someday, able to make sure that learning and growing and experiencing her childhood to the fullest will be my only goal in life.

But as of right now, I need my job.
I need to be able to build a savings for a rainy day.
The kind of rain that will help my little one later in life - maybe to pay for college - where she will have been groomed by her flawed mother to be the best that she can be.

But... I'm tired. For now.

And I will always be flawed - for which I am grateful, because it makes it so much easier to enjoy my triumphs when my shortcomings are always much more at the forefront of my mind.

My hope is that this post is something that I can look back at and only reflect on this small moment in our lives, and be able to say:

'Baby girl, I am now growing into the Mother that you deserve.'
I'm not too tired to teach you.
I love you.
<3

Ding, ding, ding...Round 3

Well... humph.
Yeah, that about sums it up. For the last 3 weeks, I have been analyzing...over thinking, and then over analyzing again every feeling, twinge, skin change - and for what?

Just to have Aunt Flo come and visit me on time for the FIRST time in probably oh, I don't know...YEARS without medical intervention. I mean...for real?

Is this real life?

Let me warn you now - this is most likely going to be a venting session. Being positive all the time is more than exhausting. As of late, I have had a couple friends commend me on how well I'm handling all of this, with so much faith and patience... though I am extremely flattered, they can't see how tattered and torn my insides are. Completely. Ripped. Apart.

 For the last two years, I have battled having an irregular cycle, and for the last year, trying to find ways to essentially force my body to do what a woman's body is made for.

I literally cannot wrap my head and heart around the fact that out of NOWHERE the Lord blessed me with the most sassy, spunky, extremely smart, gorgeous and sweet baby girl I could ever dream of... and now that Matthew and I have consciously decided to continue the growth of our family - it isn't happening!

And then just to add to my personal torment, I have the guilt of wanting another child while there are SO many others that aren't blessed with the ability to have children at all. And here I am complaining about having another child...when I have a perfectly healthy and beautiful 2 year old.

Though on another level, I think that's why it makes this SO much harder for me to handle in the first place. Here I am, with the knowledge that I am able to bear healthy children...and now my body betrays me. Over, and over and OVER again!

It is rather funny, in a way, that this is the way things are happening. As a teenager, I didn't even...as they say "become a woman" until I was 15, a late bloomer. Once Aunt Flo reared it's ugly head for the first time, it was a guessing game at the start. I never knew when my cycle was coming, no warning signs.. no chance of EVER being prepared - you can imagine what a mess that was! So, naturally I was nervous that once I finally did get married, and started a family, that I would have a hard time getting pregnant at all. Well, well well...looks like my premonitions were right, and I am suffering because of my body's failings. With no explanations, no way of knowing what is causing this!

So, now I am beginning my third cycle of Clomid.

In hopes that it'll work.. again... and actually be a viable pregnancy.

I want to so much to be deserving of the blessings that the Lord sees fit for me and my family - my heart has been broken over and over again this week as my daughter has been asking for a sister.

She says "I want a sisser, mommy I just want a sisster. I'm a big sisser."

If only I could say that she was right. If only I could look her in the eyes and tell her that our family is growing.

I understand my failings. I understand where I fall short, but I can honestly say that when we were blessed with Tylee - I was probably in one of the darker times in my life. Which is why I can't seem to grasp why this time in my life has been so much of a challenge emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much closer to the Spirit, I feel so much more like I am ready for this challenge, for this gift than I ever was when Tylee was born.

With all of my prayers directed up toward my Heavenly Father, the only thing that I can think to do is repent, repent and repent some more, for my shortcomings. Holding fast to the Faith that the Lord will find in His due time, that we are worthy of this righteous desire that I carry so close, and dear in my heart.

And with that, I bid you adieu - and I bid that you will forgive me for my venting. You may see that I am being selfish, or vain...even conceited in my notion of feeling deserving of this blessing, and I won't blame you for feeling that way. I am only here to express my heart's desires and the hurt that I feel. I see this as my public journal.. and I hope that you will understand that as you finish this entry.

Thank you for listening.
<3